Tag Archives: Writing

2017

5 Jan

This blog post is going to be every blunt. I have tried to write this post multiple times over the last few years with the crippling fear that I would lose friends over a few truthful words. So here is my story, one that I won’t regret writing, because no one should ever have to keep how they feel quiet.

For years… (probably since middle school) so close to twenty years I have had issues making and keeping friends. This seems to have followed me into adulthood seeing as I will be thirty in six months. Elementary school was easy everyone was friends and it wasn’t difficult to fit in with everyone. However, once middle school hit, my friends from elementary school just seemed to become popular while I had not many people. I was bullied during gym class for how I looked, was called monkey girl for not shaving my legs and having absurdly dark and thick hair and I was also asked if I had an eating disorder because I was small. It hurt and I don’t really talk about these things to anyone, I still am self conscious about these things and lack a lot of confidence. I continued through middle school feeling like I never fit in, which followed me into high school.

High school was the worst, I had friends but never fit into any groups of people. The only time I ever really talked to anyone of my friends was during school and pretty much no other time. Like a month before sophomore year started my mom passed away. I took it pretty hard which most of the hurt I internalized, until I opened up to one of my closest college friends. But after summer ended and school started, not one of my friends would ever ask me how I was, in fact my friendships got more strained with people. I once told one of my friends how I felt about the way I was treated by classmates, they told me that I should speak up and put more effort into trying to push myself into groups. What they obviously never saw was that every single time I tried participating I would literally be closed out of the conversation, I was never invited to do anything which led to arguments with my dad. So I eventually just stuck with spending all my free time either in the art room, in my bedroom doing art, or occasionally doing after school theatre. When it came time to apply for college I decided to not pursue art but instead wanting to major in Equestrian Studies. I decided on a tiny school in Bristol, Virginia. It was a clean slate that I wanted, it was not without its challenges. I made friends quickly with some people in the Christian Student Union, within my first month of school I had a group of people that for once I felt accepted. To this day one of these friends I made that first month I can comfortably called a best friend. During my first semester I had a difficult time making friends within my major and decided that was not how I wanted my years to be, so I talked with my freshman advisor about my options because I didn’t want to go through the challenge of applying to new schools, so I switched my major to Photography which in the long run would have more career options after graduating. During college I made a decent amount of friends but still had the feeling a never really truly fit in and felt like I had to invite myself to things and that I was never really wanted. The first group social group I left was the Christian Student Union because it was no longer a healthy group for me to be a part of, the sad thing is they saw it coming. The positive part of that I got out of college besides a decent education was that I learned to love dancing. But even over the years I have felt as if I was kind of pushed away from that group as well. The worst part is in all this people feel as if the easiest why of interacting with me is to pick on me, and trying to talk to people is nearly impossible because I also am constantly being corrected and told that I am not right, even when it has been a subject in which I have a decent amount of knowledge.

So why were all these words necessary? Well it comes down to a conversation I had with one of my former employers. One day a couple of years ago my boss pulled me aside to talk about something he had observed. And after he mentioned it I realized that was he not only correct in his observation but I could immediately tell him what the cause was and that it was something I could fix, but would take a long while. I have a difficult time having conversations with people. The cause: I spent so long trying to force myself into conversations and forcing people to get to know me by only ever really talking about myself. Over twenty years of having to do this ruined my ability to actually be able to talk to other humans. It has been a difficult thing to work on, but I am making progress… I hope.

My mentality going into this year is to be myself, to feel as if I fit in while fighting with my anxiety and sometimes depression, to not take my work so personally and just to have more fun. Thank you for reading you beautiful humans!

9,920 Hours

7 Aug

For twenty summers I spent at least one week at Camp Canonicus. Ten years as a camper and another ten on staff. The very first time I went to Canonicus at the age of eight I knew that I wanted to be a counselor there, and sure enough the summer I graduated high school I was moving into a cabin for the next nine weeks. Over the ten years I was on staff, I held many different jobs, the last few years my official title should have been Swiss Army Knife. Each summer held its own challenges, whether they were personal or one that the entire staff had to work through. I believe that the twenty years I spent at this place made me the person that I am today.

So when do you know when it is time to step away from a place that has been home for so long? Is it when you realize you are there because you had no other options? Or when you know that it is just time to let others take care of the place you hold closest to your heart. This summer was my summer to take a break, how did I know I made the right decision? I visited the staff during their training week and saw that all but four members of staff I had as campers. Seeing that not only made me feel old but I also felt happy knowing that Canonicus was left in the hands of former campers who understand what the camp provides and allows its campers and staff to grow into beautiful humans. The staff all hold this wonderful chance to help shape and inspire the next generation of campers to be their best selves. I hope that is the sort of counselor I was to these new counselors.

Flying Free

24 Jul

Have you ever felt that one particular place holds you back from doing the things you want to be doing. I feel like Rhode Island is that place for me… maybe New England as a whole. After high school I went to college in Virginia, I think those four years were good for me and I did a lot of growing. However, Rhode Island has just continually felt like this magnet that keeps me from moving on and doing better, even this summer, I was supposed to be able to get babysitting jobs, and I am now doing temp jobs. I am hoping that moving to California this fall will result in nothing but success and allow me to bigger and better things. I decided to apply for Environmental Education jobs just to get out there, with hopes that I will have the opportunity to start to make contacts within the art community because ultimately that is the type of employment I would like to find there. I want to find that place and people who will allow me to spread my wings and shine instead of feeling invisible. Because everyone needs the chance to leave the past in the past and start new.

To my readers…

27 Feb

I just wanted to say to the people that read this blog whether you found me randomly while searching for something or whether you read this blog when I post things. Thank you. You all keep me inspired and feeling connected. You are amazing, wonderful and filled with beautiful souls. Keep being you and don’t let anyone think that you are anything less. 

Buckets of Love.

Image

Storybook Adventures, Awaken My Soul

23 Feb

Storybook Adventures, Awaken My Soul

I started participating in Creative Sprints… photo contests where you are given a theme and you have 48 hours to create an image. This months theme: Night.

Thoughts… when I should be sleeping.

17 Dec

I should be asleep, it’s 12:32 am and I went to sleep around 3am the night before. Yet, I have a mind that refuses to stop. It continually grinds constantly thinks.  I was about to get ready to snuggle into my blankets for the night and I started thinking about all the friends that I have… *when you continue to the meat of the post don’t see it as depressing or sad, it’s just what I have come to realise in the past couple of years.*

We can all place our friends into different categories, some may only fit into one while others can fit themselves nicely into many categories. I seem to have old friends (have known for a long while), family, acquaintances, summer friends, dance friends, friends through social networks and all the time friends who are always there no matter the situation. I find that I have very few that can sit in that last category. 

I can tell you that I am not the same person I was in high school except that I am still shy and for the most part quiet and get ridiculously anxious in social situations. When I talk to much it’s more of a defense mechanism for me because I am used to being talked over and constantly corrected on whatever I contribute to a conversation. This has caused a lot of issues for me and it’s why I’ve become more quiet when I am around people. It also has caused me to lose many friends over the years. It sucks, all of it. Writing these things, my feelings, is the best way I can work things out for myself and I feel my writing is better than me talking. 

I think one thing people would be surprised to know about me is that I am not silly, it is a mask I put on constantly because I feel people wouldn’t want to be around me at all. Yet, being seen as that person is exhausting to me, and it hurts me when people only see me as that and never take me seriously and feeling as if I am not smart enough to take part in conversations in fear on being constantly corrected. Like I mentioned earlier, there are only a few people who see through my masks and are afraid to be a friend all the time and not just when ever they feel like I am being fun. 

So here I am, stripping off the masks and walls that I hide behind most days… take a chance, get to know me, because I refuse to change myself to simply fit in to groups of people.

 

And then I forgot about writing…

9 Sep

So at the beginning of the year I said I was going to try and write every single day…. welp, that didn’t work out. I’ve done a small bit of writing and I’ve done small bits of art, well apart from two weeks this summer I spent working with a couple of camper groups and a couple of other staff members painting two large murals in our new youth center at camp. I am getting back to my art by entering a few photography contests and signing up for the Providence Street Painting festival at the end of the month. I think I’ve decided on what I am going to draw for that… it will most likely be the illustration that is being used as the cover of the Guinea Project book. Which brings me to another exciting thing… they have added me to the team of people to help put together the pages of the book! I am also doing a lot more research on getting an Anthropology degree to move forward towards the things that will allow me to do the things I want to do as work. If anyone thinks I am making terrible life decisions by doing that… please keep them to yourself, I am tired of people telling me what I should and shouldn’t do… because it is my life and the only person who can determine what is right or wrong is me… unless it involves me getting into bad habits or something of that nature… but if it is in regards to what I want to do with my art, or work or anything in my life that makes me happy please keep negative comments to yourself because I honestly don’t need the negativity in my life.

 

Thanks for reading! Oh also we are looking to put up a PDF file of the Guinea Project book online for everyone to look at.

 

Lots of love, Cailin

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