Tag Archives: starting over

Thoughts… when I should be sleeping.

17 Dec

I should be asleep, it’s 12:32 am and I went to sleep around 3am the night before. Yet, I have a mind that refuses to stop. It continually grinds constantly thinks.  I was about to get ready to snuggle into my blankets for the night and I started thinking about all the friends that I have… *when you continue to the meat of the post don’t see it as depressing or sad, it’s just what I have come to realise in the past couple of years.*

We can all place our friends into different categories, some may only fit into one while others can fit themselves nicely into many categories. I seem to have old friends (have known for a long while), family, acquaintances, summer friends, dance friends, friends through social networks and all the time friends who are always there no matter the situation. I find that I have very few that can sit in that last category. 

I can tell you that I am not the same person I was in high school except that I am still shy and for the most part quiet and get ridiculously anxious in social situations. When I talk to much it’s more of a defense mechanism for me because I am used to being talked over and constantly corrected on whatever I contribute to a conversation. This has caused a lot of issues for me and it’s why I’ve become more quiet when I am around people. It also has caused me to lose many friends over the years. It sucks, all of it. Writing these things, my feelings, is the best way I can work things out for myself and I feel my writing is better than me talking. 

I think one thing people would be surprised to know about me is that I am not silly, it is a mask I put on constantly because I feel people wouldn’t want to be around me at all. Yet, being seen as that person is exhausting to me, and it hurts me when people only see me as that and never take me seriously and feeling as if I am not smart enough to take part in conversations in fear on being constantly corrected. Like I mentioned earlier, there are only a few people who see through my masks and are afraid to be a friend all the time and not just when ever they feel like I am being fun. 

So here I am, stripping off the masks and walls that I hide behind most days… take a chance, get to know me, because I refuse to change myself to simply fit in to groups of people.

 

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