365 Entry #1 March28 2010

29 Mar

“The more things change, the more they stay the same. I’m not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it’s the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw, my inability to change. I don’t think I’m alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it’s kind of everyone’s flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still… It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected… Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn’t seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You’re not a drug addict. You’re not killing anyone… Except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, I don’t think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we’re like this different person. I think it’s smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn’t even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever… that you’ll never have to change again.” -Ephram Brown, Everwood (one of my favorite TV shows)

This first post was inspired by this quote…

It’s true most people dislike change, especially when we find ourselves changing. Many times we change and don’t see how we have changed. We change to fit in, we change to make friends with a certain group of people. It seems to be the story of my life… I am not afraid to say that I have tried to change myself to fit in, just to have friends… then I found people who allowed me to find myself… that was a good change. Shame it took 22 years to find me… and then there are days where I still feel like I am searching.. I think we are always searching….

Searching for a soul is like reading and following the lines on a treasure map.

Searching for that buried treasure or finally finding that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

An entire lifetime of searching hunting, morphing to find ourselves.

An entire lifetime to find that soul that self was where we left it to keep it safe…

At the beginning of the labyrinth under a rock before we began to doubt ourselves as human beings.

The doubt is what caused us to morph into the vulnerable creatures we always were.

We weren’t always just vulnerable… we were angry, sad, happy, confused, lonely, empty, together.

We morphed to fit into what we thought was the “norm” even when we knew the norm was not for us.

Slowly we started to realize we were becoming even more lost in the labyrinth we had built and turns were leading to road blocks and more sharp turns.

Leaving us bruised and broken.

Where did we need to stop and turn back…

Not anywhere, we can not do anything but look forward push through the briar patch ahead and hope to see that light at the end of the tunnel.

There we can start to put the pieces of ourself back together… morph into the person we were too afraid to show to others, and afraid to truly look at who we are.

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